i had written something in my journal i was going to copy to here...but before i got the chance to i started visiting some sites, reading a few e-mails...and would you believe it, for the first time in who knows how long i'm not pushing eight on the one-through-ten pain scale.

today was interesting. i went to the pain clinic, and rather than getting to meet with my regular doc, i was met by a different doctor...whom we shall call "the lady doc." for months my doctors have thrown pain med after pain med at me...increased the muscle relaxants, the anti-inflammatory drugs...tried some new sleep meds...and today it all came to a very bizarre beginning of the end. the lady doc talked about perceived pain...which the little i've read about it, if i'm even reading the right stuff, talks about pain that isn't really there but that someone creates themselves...not necessarily on purpose, but it could be a manifestation of all sorts of things...even including psychological trauma. so when she mentioned perceived pain...and here at work tonight i have a headache that is so bad my right eye has gone blurry, i can’t concentrate...the whole right side of my head is in pain...and the bumps behind my right ear feel like they're grenades ready to explode...well, honestly...i wanted to drive back to the clinic and kick the lady doc in the crotch. (i am only assuming that would hurt her as much as the same would hurt me...i have not done much studying in the area of groin kicking to the female population as i am greatly against crimes committed towards women...so forgive me please for my evil thoughts.)

i took two 10mg percocets, some tylenol, soma...i don't know what else...it was one of those moments of desperation where i had been hurting for so long and all i wanted was to stop hurting…if i thought eating dung beetles would have helped i would have done that too, (unfortunately i do not know if the dung beetle supply in north america is as rich as it is in south america or certain parts of africa. so please forgive the poor reference for those of you who are very detail oriented.) it's an hour later and i'm still in pain...maybe a five or six on the pain scale...but that is a heck of a lot better than being at an eight, (ten is where you saw off your head with your keyboard from work.)

the lady doc wants to try treating some of my pain with anti-depressants. if anyone can explain this to me so i can understand it, i would greatly appreciate it. i mean, sure...i'm depressed because i hurt all the time...but how does an anti-depressant take away my headaches or make my right knee not hurt so i don't have to walk with a cane? (and let me add...every time a doctor has experimented with an anti-depressant in the past, well...i'll just say that i'd rather be a little depressed than face the sexual side effects that come with them.)

i was very angry when we left. christy on the other hand felt positive about the meeting. i got angry at her and even yelled at her about what it's like to be in pain 24-hours a day. i could say sorry a thousand times...but once the words leave your lips there's no putting them back. she is a hundred thousand times better person than i…she does not deserve my misdirected anger or frustration pointed at her.

so to bring all of this together in an attempt to hopefully make a point, i sit here at work at 3:30 in the morning, and it just hit me before i started writing this that maybe the best medicine isn't the pain killers or the anti-depressants...but the wonderful people i've surrounded myself with. on more than one occasion i've been in pain and then christy puts her arms around me and kisses me on the neck or cheak and as long as she stays right there...i can stand it...i can stand the pain. (that’s something that pfizer, warner lambert or any of the others can’t market and put into a bottle.)

i still don't understand how the anti-depressants will help with pain. i've been to five different docs now and almost every one has had opposing views to some degree of what the other doctors are trying to do with their treatments or the drugs they've put me on. (i wonder if peta would protest 'testing on theron?' i’m not that hairy but i think i could still qualify as an animal…)

there are two entries from my journal i'd really like to share, but due to their length i will save it for another time. but i would like to share something i wrote that was part of the end of the second entry. this was written after a very, very painful sunday morning after i was stranded in bed while christy was at church with the kids because i was in too much pain to get out of bed and walk to the kitchen to get my meds:

"...but what keeps me going at times like this is knowing there are others in this world with greater adversities than [what i have] that accomplish much more than merely removing themselves from their beds each morning.

"in my mind and heart rings loudly the words of my Personal Lord and Savior, 'have i not descended below thee? art thou greater than i?' it is then that my own personal cross becomes easier to bear as i know He is helping me to carry that  which i could not carry alone.

"whatever you choose to believe in life, know this; there is a God that loves us and knows us much better than we know ourselves. and it is then, in our darkest hour that if we will turn to Him with faith and in hope, He will lend His gentle hand and help carry us through...through trials we could not otherwise overcome on our own."

i'm not sorry for what i believe in, but i think i may owe an apology to those that have links on their sites to mine...there are times when i'm angry and times when i'm filled with joy and love. there are times i can't stand the world around me and times when i see the goodness of others through clearer eyes. poor 'sal the artist' for example, placed a link on his site to mine because, well...i think he thought i wasn't some extremist or that i had more level-headed views. sometimes that assumption is correct...but other times i get pretty frustrated with what i see around me. so to sal and anyone else that is now regretting linking to my site, i apologize...i hope i have not caused anyone any embarrassment or ill feelings because they referred someone here just to find something they really weren't expecting or that may have offended them.

alright...my reprieve from pain is ending. i wanted to say more but i can't concentrate worth anything. this is where i wish we had cars like they had in minority report that would drive for you…getting home this morning is going to be rather interesting.

i do hope everyone has a wonderful day.

theron